Late Night Brain Dump

I am a left-brained individual who longs to be a creative genius.  Unfortunately I am not ambitious. I admire people who have driven and vision and passion. I wish I had that. Do they have to work hard to have that?  Maybe I'm just lazy. That is my fear. 

I have a lot of different ideas floating around my head recently. They appear to be my latest hyperfixation, so I figure that I may as well indulge them for awhile. Who's it going to hurt? 

(Maybe my family, since any time I spend on the fixation will be taken away from caring dor them and the house.)

I want to open my Etsy store again. I want to create children's skirts and quilted bags and photo collages. 

I can't keep my ordinary life shut together. Why do I keep wanting to add more and more?  

(Let's blame the ADHD.)

Adult Friendships

Adult Friendships. 

If I'm honest, I don't think I have been very good at cultivating them. 

In my young adult, pre-married days, hanging out with close friends was easy. We hung out, did crazy things. Lived together for a small bit. We were all part of the same religious group. So our world's were very connected. 

In my young adult, married life, it still was hashish, but definitely not quite the same. I threw my whole being into my marriage, but all while not knowing what and how and really anything about making a good marriage. 

Got pregnant right away, and then my life was baby and husband.  And to top it off, moved when Abby was 5 months old. 

But we moved where close friends of ours had moved, so we were able to reconnect with them. And for the next six years, they were our best friends.   

Those six years past, and they moved to Hawaii and we moved back to our mutual hometown. Up in the frozen half-north. I still say God has a sense of humour directing us moving in two directions to vastly different climates. Can you see who His favourites are?

Coming back here, I had a couple friends to reconnect with, but it wasn't the same. We either were on different pages of life (kids, no kids) or we had been apart too long and our previous BFFness was now just good acaintance-ness. I tried to make some friends with other homeschool mom's, but after a few years, things seemed to fizzle out. 

So why can't I keep friends?  I'm not great at long distance, I feel disconnected. I worry that this friendship thing is all my fault because I feel to busy to organize any kind of meeting together. Or am too. Busy to actually do anything. I worry that people are off put by my weirdness. 

This has devolved into a pity party. Without any chips and dip!

New People

 I have new people to introduce you all to. In 2014, our lives were graced with baby Elle.  While obviously not a baby anymore, she was a fantastic, happy baby. She is now 7. (7! Says my mom brain).  And in 2016, we were also joined by Sig. She is now 5, and we are so thankful!  She was not the easiest (that is my mild way of putting it) baby/toddler/preschooler to have around. I love her, because  but am so thankful for forward progress. Yay!

Ok, intros done, now back to my mundane thoughts.   Though maybe I should choose a new name for them. My counselor has had me trying to watch my self-help. Spoiler alert: it's usually negative. 

Word to remember:  consistency

Back From Wherever I Was

What is this?  Is Erica writing a post after almost a year of silence here?  It cannot be! Yet it is.  I have actually sat down a fair amount of times over the last year and started to write something, but I always end up deleting whatever I put down because I feel like it's not good enough for the few (very few) people who do read my little blog.

And I realized the other day, that I do this same thing in life.  I want to do something, I want to do something, but then I start second guessing myself.  I think about how it might look to others.  I think about what others might want to hear.  I think about what they will think about me.  And then I get so overwhelmed that I do nothing.  And I am sick of being a person who does nothing.  I'm sick of feeling so damn apologetic over everything I do.

And the thing is, nobody cares!  If I want to write about the mundane things that I do everyday, so what?  I doubt anybody will spare a thought about it.  Seriously, who is going to read it and think "Well, what an idiot that chick was."

So that is my little ramble through my thoughts regarding me today.  Now I have to go figure out what we are going to attempt to do in school this week.