Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Back in August, we took Abby to have her hearing tested.  We did this because sometimes she is difficult to understand, and though she does have an adequate vocabulary, she doesn't talk as fluently as I think that she maybe should (or as fluently as other 3-year-olds that I see).  So off we went.  I won't write all about the test, but basically the results were that all her 'hardware' was working fine, but her 'behavioural response' was poor.  That means that she should be able to hear us, but she doesn't respond like she is.  They did recommend that I see a speech specialist, though. 

Fast forward to now, I talked a bit to the Public Health nurse awhile ago, and she had sent me some pamphlets on play-based activities to help with speech.  She also sent me some 'tests' to sort of gauge how Abby is doing.  And yesterday I took Abby in to the doctor and the doctor said that she had had a request from the audiologist to refer Abby to the speech pathologist.  I was a little upset about that yesterday, though I know I shouldn't be.  It just seemed like they were rushing forward and I was being forced to take Abby down this path, when the more I think of it, the more I feel like she is just a little slower, and I realize how much she does say.  She does use 3 word sentences, more than I realized once I started paying attention. 

So I just got a letter from the speech pathologist in the mail, and it has a sort of questionaire form for me to fill out and send back.  Once they get the form and go over it, they will call me back.  As I am fillling it out, I can feel myself sinking back down into the "Pit of Horrible Parenting."  I have failed my child.  I should have done so much  more with her, read more, played more, talked more.  Something more!  It all spirals down to the same conclusion that I am a selfish mother who doesn't do enough with my girls because it doesn't come naturally to me to be that 'everyday-teacher' that seems to be all the rage right now.

I don't know where I am going to end this post because it is far from resolved in me.  Yes, I have started doing activities with Abby, so maybe there is hope that I can change.  I know that there is, if I just rely on my Heavenly Father.  But how likely am I to do that?  I know myself, I constantly am taking back the reins of my life from God and saying that I can do it myself.  Pathetic.  But I must allow Him to work in me, if only for the sake of my children.  I want them to have the best.  So I will press on and keep my eyes on what is truly important in this life, God and my family.  And by working towards that goal, I will ultimately help myself be happier.

How's that for a little pep talk to end this?


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