Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Once I Think About It, It's Not a Life or Death Problem so I Shouldn't Stress so Much About It

I am in the middle of a personal dilemma.  Actually, I always seem to have dilemmas, but let's focus on just one at a time, shall we?  Everything and everyone around me seems to be leading me to one final destination, "The Church." 

Church?  That's not bad, is it?  It's supposed to be good right?  Well, that depends on your definitions and your beliefs and your perspective, and so many other variables.  When I am talking about church here, I am speaking about the building where Christians gather on Sundays, specifically to worship and learn about God. 

I grew up in a Pentecostal church and loved it.  I had my moments where I wasn't following God wholeheartedly, but underneath it all I had a solid-rock foundation of faith.  I am so thankful that this was and is in me.  Jesus has always been my saviour and I am glad that, for whatever reasons, I stuck with my Christianity.  About 6 years ago, though, I made the decision to stop going to church.  Not because I was turning my back on my faith, but because I believed that the whole church organization was set up wrong and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore.  I attended a home fellowship for 3 years following that, until we moved down south.

There is a whole history to my leaving the organized church that I don't really have the patience to talk about today.  I will say that when I first left, I thought that church was a horrible system, and that everyone was decieved and that nothing would induce me to start attending again.  But in the years that we moved, I have slowly been changing my mind.  Overall I still don't agree with a lot of things about the church organization, but I will acknowledge that it is everyone's choice to go, and it's not such a big deal to me anymore.  I chose not to go, others chose to go.  That's that.

The last couple months, our close friends down here with the same background with the church as us, have been attending a church here.  My friend and I have gone to their Biblestudy on Tuesdays for the past couple years, so we have gotten to know several ladies in the church.  My hubs and I went to a service a couple times as well, but our friends now go almost every Sunday.  It makes me feel pressured that I should be going too.  (A fault of mine, if I haven't mentioned before, is being a people-pleaser and follower.)  Hubs has talked a lot over the last months about wishing we had more closer Christian friends to fellowship with.  The crew that he works with are believers, but two of them are strict Mennonites, and the other fellow is also of a conservative bent, so while they have very good talks and discussions, he would like some more people of a like mind, more charasmatic that is to say.

So he and I have talked lots about occasionally attending a church or something like that.  And here we get to the issue that is irritating me, like a stick poking into my side.  I don't feel a deisre, or even a need to go to any Sunday services.  And I don't feel guilty for feeling this way either.  Abby does well when we go to a service, she goes to Sunday School, and sits quietly, but Leigh is at the age where she just wants to go go go.  It is hard to keep her entertained the whole time.  They are starting up a nursery, but she doesn't do well when I leave her places without me.

Going to Biblestudy throughout the week is great fellowship for me, and I don't feel like I need any more.  I enjoy getting together with the ladies, and we have good discussions.  Biblestudy gives me good fellowship I feel.  But my husband doesn't get any of that.  He wants to get to know more people, and now he feels like he would like to go to a service a little more often.

I don't know how I feel.  He has said that his going doesn't obligate me to go.  But I feel that if he goes, I should go, for a couple reasons.  I would worry that people would wonder why he was going and not all of us as a family, since they actually know me better than they know him.  (Yes I know I shouldn't care what other people think or say.)  And I feel that since my hubs is the head of our house, I need to follow his leadership.  I submit to other areas that he asks me to, even if I don't feel a huge necessity to, so why should this be any different?

So can I go to church, even if I don't agree with everything in it?  Is this what God wants?  Why can't my life and relationship with God and other believers align with my ideals?