A Raw Moment

Bad days happen.

Bad-mom moments happen.

I must accept this.

I am not perfect.

Most of the time I am not even half-perfect.

Mostly, I am just a very, very, very flawed person.

So when I get incredibly frustrated with my children for seemingly being deaf to my voice while they are sitting not even 2 feet away, and possibly react in a way that is not in the best interests of anybody in the house, I will breath, apologize, hug them, maybe cry, and realize that I am the perfect candidate for a Saviour and thank God that He has given me one.

Weekend Update

Abby had her IHCAN testing on Tuesday.  For those who don't know, that stands for Interior Health Child Assessment Network.  They were doing testing on Abby to determine if she had Autism Spectrum Disorder.

I was almost 100% positive that she didn't, but I wanted some kind of testing done because while she doesn't have any typical autism markers, she is behind a little.  I was a little stressed leading up to this appointment, and I didn't realize how much until after it was over.  Funny how that is.

I was worried, because while I didn't really want her to have a disorder, I knew that if she got a diagnosis, it would be easier to get her some funding.  Right now, because we are going through a private school, she hasn't been getting any speech therapy, which she definitely needs.  We're working on stuff at home, but the extra help would be wonderful.  So I was torn.

Abby did so well.  She didn't fuss about being separated from us, and she was polite and interacted with the doctors.  I was impressed with the doctors too.  They were friendly and not condescending at all.  They had obviously done this with so many parents, they were so excellent at explaining things so that we could understand, not too much medical terminology that only doctors know.

So she did not get diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, but she did get diagnosed with Mixed Receptive/Expressive Language Disorder.

I know, it's a mouthful!  Here's a link to a page where I really liked the description.

So that is my child.  I'm glad that we got a diagnosis of something because now we should be able to get her some speech therapy, hopefully.  I feel like we have something to work with and can move forward.  It was encouraging to hear things that we've known/noticed about her being seen by the doctors as well.  For me, it is like a confirmation that I'm not crazy.

On a completely unrelated note, Abby did something incredibly cute and funny yesterday.  I was in the master bedroom and she came in and told me that she was going to pray with God.  She was very excited about this.  I told her that was great and to let me know what He told her.  She said that she was going to pray upstairs in her room.  So up she went.  A few minutes later I heard Leigh head upstairs and she met Abby there and Abby excitedly told her that she had prayed to God for a baby brother!  and God was going to put him in the tummy (mine, I assume).  Then she came down and told me that.  What a cutie.

Who Doesn't Have Children Just to Get a Higher Score?

Some days I still feel like a petty, competitive high schooler.  Because of the fact that I still feel like life is a competition and I have to try to "be better" or ahead of others.  I've said before that I compare myself to others even though I know I shouldn't.  And I am definitely working on that with God too.  But obviously the journey is still closer to the beginning than the end of my responses to the news of others having babies, for instance.

Yay for babies!  I'm glad for my friends who are having more.  But it gives me some frustrating feelings.  One, Baby Fever!!!!!!  Oh my goodness, all these babies and talk of babies and what not, I just need one!  2 1/2 years old is no longer baby enough.  And two, the competition thing.

I have a Facebook friend who was married the same year as me, and also has two kids like me, just a little younger than my girls.  She just announced that she is having another baby this summer.  And then she will beat me.

Isn't it pathetic that that was me first thought when I read the news?  That she will beat me?  Just because she will have three kids before me, doesn't mean she's better.  It doesn't make me less.  Yet this is what I feel, with her news and others as well.

My good friend here in town has a daughter who is almost 8 now.  And I constantly feel like I'm behind in the game and will never catch up because her oldest daughter is older than mine.  (And I know what she is going to say when she reads this!  She will probably be like "Oh Erica!  That's ridiculous!"  And then she would give some good, godly encouragement.  she's so good at that.  Thanks girl!)

I need to get it through my brain!  It's not a game or competition or anything resembling that!  God knows all of us and our futures and what we need when we need it!  So stop stressing and just live my life in God's love.

Tomorrow I will share my car frustrations with you all so you can be frustrated with me!  Hahaha.

A Week Overdue, But You'll Forgive Me

Last Friday, the ninth, we had a ladies overnight retreat thing.  I just wanted to express my gratitude for having great ladies in my life.  It was a wonderful time of fellowship.  We made some Christmas centrepieces, which all turned out looking great, if not all Martha Stewart worthy (mine definitely not).  We ate food, including chocolate fondue fruit, and heard an amazing testimony, and shared in prayer.

God is so good to give you what you need, when you need it.  This overnight was just the thing to refresh me, especially when I didn't fully realize my need for being refreshed.

I don't know if I can name a particular favourite incident, it was all so great.  I think that most of all I just enjoyed the friendly chatting.  Just talking and laughing together.

The Reason I Don't Add Up is I'm Using the Wrong Equation

I have a confession that will shock the world.  Ready?

I am NOT Super-Wife/Mom/Woman. 

Ok, maybe not so shocking.  And I can already hear all you moms saying, 'Me neither!'  And you probably all believe that.  You would say that you are just living as best you can, and you make mistakes the same as everyone.  But, I have to say, please don't take offense, I just don't believe you.  I believe that every other mom out there (with the exception of the truly crazy ones) is light-years ahead of me.

I read blog after blog of these moms who cook these great meals.  Not gourmet all the time, but healthy and nutritious and tasty.  They keep the house in at least a decent working order.  They can shelves and shelves of fruit and vegetables, grown in their own backyard.  They do this, and they do that.  Then I look at myself and I seem to be sorely lacking. 

Yet if there is any specific theme to all the stuff God has been speaking to me these past months, it is that everyone's walk with God is unique to them.  And His timing in our lives is different too.  We don't all have these cookie-cutter lives, where they all look the same.  Even if we are all listening to His voice, our decisions may still look different.  Homeschooling, church-going, working or staying at home, family size, head covering, children raising, house buying, so many decisions in life.  And everyone makes different ones.

And while there are a few decisions that only have one right answer, most of them don't.  Two different decisions can both still be correct.  This I have to keep telling and reminding myself.  My life doesn't have to look like Jane Doe's and neither does Jane Doe's life have to look like mine.

So that's it for tonight.  Now I'm off to can some peaches for my husband.  (Though I'm still hoping that some magic Canning Fairy will drop through my roof and do it for me.)

Good Morning Girls Book Club - Week 4 (ok, and 2 and 3) Thoughts

I am horribly behind in my reading.  I am just starting chapter 4.  I don't even want to admit this because I am doing my reading during my quiet time with God.  So if I haven't read in a bunch of days, then the obvious conclusion is that I haven't even sat down to read God's Word either.  Wow, that's a horrible confession to make for me.

But I can change!  Right! 

But even though I'm not "caught up" I am still wowed by the chapters I have read.  It totally brought tears to my eyes.  I probably could have sobbed for quite awhile actually, but I held it in since I was in bed with my hubby and he was watching some TV show (can't remember what now).  I didn't want to interrupt, haha.  No, he wouldn't care, but I seem to have a disinclination against giving in to crying.  Maybe it's a sign that I am trying to be strong and rely on myself and not give into weakness.

Anyways, off-track.  Everything she writes about feel like it is hitting me, BAM BAM, right in the heart.  Holy Spirit has been convicting me over so much.  Especially the encouraging words.  I realize that when the girls mess up, I can tend to say some mean, sarcastic things, like "Do you really think that I wanted to spend my afternoon cleaning up the bathroom?  Why on earth would you turn on the water under the sink?  Do you think this is fun?" 

What does that do to my girls?  Do they feel stupid, or embarassed?  Oh my heart aches when I think of all the idle words that I have spoken without thought.  It is so wrong of me to just let my emotions control me.

And the other side, to speak encouragement to them.  I need to do that more.  I know that I do try to praise them when they do good, such as sharing a toy or treat, or even asking me if I'm ok when I get hurt.  but I also want to speak life into them.  To observe and acknowledge their strengths, and to help them build on those (with God's help of course) and also to help them take their weaknesses to Him. 

I guess what I want is to show them the Father's love and to have them know how much He loves them and for them to love Him back.  That's what this mothering thing is about. 

This was a little more personal and revealing than I planned.  But I shouldn't be ashamed because I know that our Father forgave me and I don't want to put on a front that pretends to have it all together.

Good Morning Girls Book Club - Week 1 Thoughts

I am doing the book club on Good Morning Girls, with an accountability group through Jolanthe at No Ordinary Moments.  We start reading the book next week, though my book isn't here yet and isn't likely to get here in time.  That is my fault for being undecided whether I was actually going to do it or not.

The first three verses of the week were on how nothing happens without God.  Without Him, we can do nothing (nothing that matters anyways).  The last two were about faith legacies in our children.  This is right where God has been speaking to me lately, how I try to be independent and do everything on my own strength.  Yet nothing works and I end up way worse than I ever was!

And I sometimes (most of the time) get very stressed and worried about my children's spiritual lives.  I want them to know and love our Father, but I worry that they won't or that I'm not doing enough to teach them.  Yet if I just trust in God, like the first verses said, it will all come through His will.  He is so good!

He is so good to be patient with me while I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  Because this is probably one of the biggest areas of struggle with me, relying on God.  Too often I forget that He is here with me.  I am blinded by all the temporary things of earth.  But as I said, they are temporary.  They have no eternal value to me.  I need to "seek first God's kingdom". 

Cast Your Burdens (clap clap clap) Unto Jesus (clap clap clap)

Now I am singing that kids' song in my head.  Oh well.  It's a good and true message!

Yesterday I was going to come on here and gripe about people and speech pathologists in particular and how they know nothing and just make your life miserable and what am I to do now and why can't life just be simple with easy-to-follow directions?  But as I was getting ready to type I remembered that I have been trying to take my problems to God before I go to human wisdom, so I went and prayed instead.

Not that I don't love getting advice and encouragement from you!  Because that is very important in itself.  God places people in our lives who are there to help and encourage us.  They can remind us of His truthes.  But I know that I can tend to rely on only them, not even bothering to glance at God.  That is when I need to just turn to Him and pour out my woes, so to speak.

So I did, and had a very encouraging time in prayer.  Encouraging in the fact that God revealed an area that I neeed to pray over in my life, so I did.  And I felt energized by my time spent in prayer.

I did get my Biblestudy ladies to pray for me today though, just because I wanted some extra support as well.  I needed to have it reaffirmed to me that God is in control, not govermental employees.

The reason I was so upset yesterday was because we had Abby's first speech appointment. 

It went HORRIBLE.

I can't even stress how bad it went.  She was screaming and crying at the end of it.  But personally I don't think it was all her fault.  I think it was theirs (the speech pathologists, or whatever they are called).  Well, actually at first I thought it might be her, a bit, but as I've taken a step back and thought about it, I see it a little differently. 

They don't know her, or how she works or learns.   They let her walk all over them, and expected her to do what they wanted.  But she's speech delayed, not stupid.  You don't need to be able to talk to figure out that you can get your way by whining.  And that's what happened.  They had a little fishing/magnet game that they let her play a little.  Then they put it aside to try to get her to shape a sound.  She just kept saying no, no, NO, and whining and such, so they let her have another fish! 

Parenting rule #37 - Don't give into your child when they are whining to get their way

A kid will not respect you if they see that they can trample you.  Don't be a wimp.

Anyways. I don't need to rant about that.  So the end result of this is that they don't want to see her until September, and maybe she'll be ready by then.  Riiight.  Mayeb you'll be ready then.  But as we were chatting a bit about it at the end, the speech pathologist managed to throw into my mind some remarks that made me doubt myself and everything I believe about my girls and parenting and homeschooling and life!  Argh!

But she isn't God.  God is God.  (Yes, I know, what an obvious statement, haha.  But I need to hear it!)  And God is who I follow and listen to.  So if He says that I need to do something, then yes I need to do it.  But if the speech lady says I need to do something, I don't have to.  I can if I decide it's best, but I am not obligated to follow her every whim.

So that's that!

Back on the Dieting Wagon

I have been on and off of the dieting wagon for the past...well probably since I have had my first daughter, 3 1/2 years ago, but mostly since October.  I have to honestly say that before that I think I was just waiting for the pounds to drop off by themselves.  Lame, I know.  I don't seem to have an kind of stick-to-it-iveness.  I quit the Atkins diet because it was costing me too much in meat.  I am now just plain counting my calories, while trying to make sure that I eat the good calories and don't waste my calories on the bad (but oh-so-good-tasting) foods.

I have been doing the calorie counting for at least a month now, but haven't lost weight because I will count every food for about 3 days, and then I stop.  Then I start again after a few more days.  Back and forth, back and forth!  So maddening!  Sometimes I feel like it mirrors my relationship with God.  I will keep focussed on Him for a few days and then stop.  Back and forth, back and forth.  Hopefully I can stop both of these issues! 

I feel like I have been given a refreshing from God, so hopefully I keep with it, and don't get discouraged again.  We'll see.

God Truly Does Answer our Prayers

I've been drafting this post for like a week.  I just seem to get too busy to finish, and I didn't want to slap up some half-finished piece of work.

Awhile ago I wrote about my stress over the decision to go to church or not.  It was a huge deal with me.  But God saw and heard my stress and totally reached down and helped me.  Two Sundays ago we were at the Pentecostal church here in town, and I was busy trying to occupy the girls.  Abby was really good, but Leigh just wanted to run around and around.  I was glad to finally drop her off at the nursery.

After I dropped her off there was a few more songs in the praise and worship.  I sang the songs, but I could sense that I was holding myself back.  I find it hard to explain exactly how I felt.  I tried to pray, to focus myself on God, but I found that I was very distracted by the music, and my own critical thoughts of the whole service.  So I went out to our car. 

I sat in the front seat and started to pray and this time it was easy.  Through my mind had been going the memory of a time 6 years prior, before I had left the church I had then been attending, when I asked God if I was supposed to leave the 'organized church'.  I heard a No.  Well obviously I left anyways.  The reason being that I thought that the no I heard was just my mind, I didn't think it was God.  So as this is running through my mind, I prayed and asked Him if I had been supposed to leave the church back then.  And God told me, No, I wasn't suppposed to have left.

Wow, now that was a big, big revelation.  I made a mistake, and one that seems like a big one.  But I am glad that I had the courage to ask.  So I then repented of leaving and not heeding His voice and asked for His forgiveness, which He gave to me!  God is so good.  I asked afterwards if I was supposed to attend this church here, but He didn't say.  He just told me that He was going to change my heart.

I went back into the service, though I spent the majority of  the time in the nursery with Leigh since she was crying.  But last week we went again, and I felt a HUGE difference.  I wasn't critical of the praise and worship, and I was able to feel my heart enter in, I didn't hold myself apart.  And perhaps the biggest change of all is that I actually have a desire to get invovled in church programs. 

I am glad to have a peace about this.  I know that getting back into the swing of things will be a process, and I don't even think that we will go all the time either.  We didn't go today because our kids kept waking us up last night.  But I do feel that this is where God wants us so that is the best place to be.

The Motive Behind the Prayer

I am so thankful that we have an interactive God, not just some stone/wood idol that sits on the shelf and does nothing else.  Yes, it does require more effort serving my God, but the benefits are eternal.  What He has been speaking to me last was about reasons and motivations for worshipping Him.  He showed me that in my heart I was only worshipping Him for the benefits to myself. 

Like I know that God is the only one who can change me and my heart.  I am constantly stressed.  So I go to Him because I want Him to unstress me.  I need an attitude change.  I go to Him.  Yes we need to be going to Him not ourselves or any other human.  But God is God!  He deserves to be worshipped just because He is. 

There should be no other reason.  He is awesome.  He is righteous.  He is holy.  I could go on and on.  And I shouldn't be coming to Him for my selfish reasons.  I need to praise Him for being Him.  And if my problems never get fixed, that is inconsequential.  But that isn't likely to happen, because if I consistently praise God, and keep my attitude about Him right, the rest of my life will fall into alignment.  Because by focussing on God, I am focusing on the most important thing and also am feeding my spirit.  And a helthy spirit will definitely improve my mind and body.

So my encouragement to everyone is to take a break from our petitions to God, and to just think about who He is.  It is a thought that is too big for me, and I could think about it all day and still not get my mind around Him.

Once I Think About It, It's Not a Life or Death Problem so I Shouldn't Stress so Much About It

I am in the middle of a personal dilemma.  Actually, I always seem to have dilemmas, but let's focus on just one at a time, shall we?  Everything and everyone around me seems to be leading me to one final destination, "The Church." 

Church?  That's not bad, is it?  It's supposed to be good right?  Well, that depends on your definitions and your beliefs and your perspective, and so many other variables.  When I am talking about church here, I am speaking about the building where Christians gather on Sundays, specifically to worship and learn about God. 

I grew up in a Pentecostal church and loved it.  I had my moments where I wasn't following God wholeheartedly, but underneath it all I had a solid-rock foundation of faith.  I am so thankful that this was and is in me.  Jesus has always been my saviour and I am glad that, for whatever reasons, I stuck with my Christianity.  About 6 years ago, though, I made the decision to stop going to church.  Not because I was turning my back on my faith, but because I believed that the whole church organization was set up wrong and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore.  I attended a home fellowship for 3 years following that, until we moved down south.

There is a whole history to my leaving the organized church that I don't really have the patience to talk about today.  I will say that when I first left, I thought that church was a horrible system, and that everyone was decieved and that nothing would induce me to start attending again.  But in the years that we moved, I have slowly been changing my mind.  Overall I still don't agree with a lot of things about the church organization, but I will acknowledge that it is everyone's choice to go, and it's not such a big deal to me anymore.  I chose not to go, others chose to go.  That's that.

The last couple months, our close friends down here with the same background with the church as us, have been attending a church here.  My friend and I have gone to their Biblestudy on Tuesdays for the past couple years, so we have gotten to know several ladies in the church.  My hubs and I went to a service a couple times as well, but our friends now go almost every Sunday.  It makes me feel pressured that I should be going too.  (A fault of mine, if I haven't mentioned before, is being a people-pleaser and follower.)  Hubs has talked a lot over the last months about wishing we had more closer Christian friends to fellowship with.  The crew that he works with are believers, but two of them are strict Mennonites, and the other fellow is also of a conservative bent, so while they have very good talks and discussions, he would like some more people of a like mind, more charasmatic that is to say.

So he and I have talked lots about occasionally attending a church or something like that.  And here we get to the issue that is irritating me, like a stick poking into my side.  I don't feel a deisre, or even a need to go to any Sunday services.  And I don't feel guilty for feeling this way either.  Abby does well when we go to a service, she goes to Sunday School, and sits quietly, but Leigh is at the age where she just wants to go go go.  It is hard to keep her entertained the whole time.  They are starting up a nursery, but she doesn't do well when I leave her places without me.

Going to Biblestudy throughout the week is great fellowship for me, and I don't feel like I need any more.  I enjoy getting together with the ladies, and we have good discussions.  Biblestudy gives me good fellowship I feel.  But my husband doesn't get any of that.  He wants to get to know more people, and now he feels like he would like to go to a service a little more often.

I don't know how I feel.  He has said that his going doesn't obligate me to go.  But I feel that if he goes, I should go, for a couple reasons.  I would worry that people would wonder why he was going and not all of us as a family, since they actually know me better than they know him.  (Yes I know I shouldn't care what other people think or say.)  And I feel that since my hubs is the head of our house, I need to follow his leadership.  I submit to other areas that he asks me to, even if I don't feel a huge necessity to, so why should this be any different?

So can I go to church, even if I don't agree with everything in it?  Is this what God wants?  Why can't my life and relationship with God and other believers align with my ideals?

Last Thought of the Night

I sat down tonight and spent some time with my Father, my Heavenly Father that is.  And it was so refreshing to my spirit.  It has been over a week since I actually took the time to spend more than 2 minutes praying, and I am ashamed to admit that.  I hate the fact that I know how much I depend on God, I know how much I need Him, I know that my life falls into chaos and stress when I don't rely on Him, yet still, still I try to do it on my own.  I am thankful that He doesn't walk out the door when I don't show up for days.  He is still there, waiting paitiently.