A Raw Moment

Bad days happen.

Bad-mom moments happen.

I must accept this.

I am not perfect.

Most of the time I am not even half-perfect.

Mostly, I am just a very, very, very flawed person.

So when I get incredibly frustrated with my children for seemingly being deaf to my voice while they are sitting not even 2 feet away, and possibly react in a way that is not in the best interests of anybody in the house, I will breath, apologize, hug them, maybe cry, and realize that I am the perfect candidate for a Saviour and thank God that He has given me one.

School in September

I just put Leigh down for a time-out/nap and she is crying at the top of the stairs.  I am too lazy to go put her back in her bedroom.  I probably should though.  She is being sooooo incredibly cranky today.  I'm wondering if I am letting her play too many "video games."  Lately while I do school work with Abby, I let Leigh play on my iPhone.  Ideally I don't want to do this every day, but I feel like it's just so much easier.

I'm hoping that once the house gets more organized, I'll have more stuff for her to do.  I have lots of ideas, just none really implemented.  And maybe I should be taking more time with her.  Even while she was playing games on the phone today she wanted to stay cuddled with me.  I think that I don't take more time because I'm selfish and just want to get through the "work" as soon as possible, so that I can sit on the computer wasting my time and mind away.

Last week was a really difficult school week.  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, oh my, it was just rough.  Leigh was fussy and Abby wanted nothing to do with school.  I was stressed out.  I have ladies' Biblestudy on Thursdays, and I asked for prayer for help with school.  We didn't do any school on Friday because, well because I just didn't want to.  But we did some on Saturday, and it was seriously way better.  And so far this week it has gone much better as well.  I am so very excited.

I think that it's not that Abby is any different, well, maybe a little, but I have just more patience.  An that makes a huge difference.

Now You Know What I Wear Under My Day Clothes, Lucky You

Guess what?  I got me some Spanx!

Yes, I purchased a Slim Cognito Mid-Thigh Body Suit.  I will admit that I was very very excited waiting for it to come.  And it got here last week.  Or I should say it was at the gas station over the border waiting for me to pick it up since last week.  I've only had it in my actual possession since Tuesday.

I think that in my thoughts, or more like my dreams, I figured that the Spanx would change my life.  Not like drastically or anything, but I think I was hoping it would make me look at least a size smaller.  Because I've sort of given up on the diet thing for the last few weeks.  But that's a sob story to be told another day.

So this new body suit was to make me look and feel good.  And it actually does make a bit of a difference.  Just not the huge one I was hoping and crossing my fingers for.  So I was a little let down with the actual results.  And that just serves me right for being lazy and hoping Spanx could do what I wasn't willing to do (exercise).

I was actually going to take some pictures for you all to see of me in my glory.  Don't worry, I would be wearing clothes, not just Spanx!  But I just haven't gotten around to it so you'll have to wait with patience.

So the point tonight is that Spanx is great and helps smooth over you lines, but get off your lazy butt and just exercise once in awhile Erica and you would be happier and most likely a few pounds lighter too.  (That line was solely for myself so please don't think I'm yelling at you)

It Was Supposed to be About Him, But It's All About Me Instead

Tonight it is pressed on my heart how important it is to be encouragements to our husbands.  And this is an area I feel that I'm not the greatest at.  (Ok, so I don't think I have many areas that I'm good at.)  But it's one I want to get better at.

I think my problem is that I am so emotionally driven that if he is upset or frustrated at something, I just pick it up and run until it's suddenly all about me and how I'm stressed because he's stressed and why can't he just understand and be nice and not get mad?  Why?  Oh wait, there I go again!

I'm realizing that it comes from being very self-centred.  I constantly think of how hard I feel my life is, how stressed I am.  His stresses are far removed from me.  It's usually things or people at work, and I have a hard time picturing it sometimes, since I don't see it first hand.  If I don't experience it, it doesn't exist, right?

But it does exist!  His life isn't perfect either.  Yesterday he worked from 6:30 am until 2:30 am.  And then had to go to work at 7 am again this morning.  I complain when I go to bed later than 11 and get up sooner than 7.

So he was a little short-tempered this morning, which was really understandable since he only had about 3 hours of sleep.  He anticipated being at odds with his boss all day.  I wanted to encourage him somehow to act Christ-like, to not get frustrated.  But I didn't think it was something he wanted to hear, so I didn't say anything.  And besides, I had only gotten maybe 4ish hours of sleep so I wasn't much better than him.

But the day turned out all right for him, so far.  I talked to him in the late morning and he was mostly cheerful sounding.  So I was very thankful for that because I had been praying that his day would go smoothly.  Hopefully it still is.  He still is at work, but he won't have to stay quite as late tonight since they have another guy to come and spell him off.  I'm very glad because I have such a hard time sleeping when he's not here, and especially when he's working.  I'm always imagining horrific accidents.

There I go, making it all about me again.  Gotta work on that.

I'm All Alone With Only Myself For Company, Somebody Help Me!

I have a few things I want to share with you but our only camera is my iPhone and I don't have the sync cord since Mark is gone for this week and took it away with him.  I know we have another one somewhere, but I don't know where it is.  So what is the point in sharing things with no pictures to go along?  It kind of makes a bland post, I think.

So instead I will whine to you all about how I have to spend 3 nights all alone (well, obviously not completely alone, since the kids will be here) while hubs is out of town working.  I admit, I cried on the phone to him.  I'm horribly whiny and mopey when I'm the one left home alone.

Yet I am totally gung-ho when it's me who gets to go somewhere.  Like last summer when I went to Chilliwack and Nanaimo for a week.  And in just two months I'll be headed back north for a quick trip before going down south to the Okanagan for my sister's wedding.  All while leaving Mark at home.  Though he will join me for the wedding.  I should probably feel sorry for him, since when I go, he is COMPLETELY alone because I take the kids with me.  At least I get a warm body to sleep with.

And what about all those families where the husband has to work on the rigs for weeks at a time?  I have it super easy compared to that.  Or military families.  Obviously God knew that I wouldn't be able to survive any kind of deployment.  I barely survive a weekend.

And you know what is the frustrating thing?  I was missing him a lot and feeling super lonely, and was glad he called before heading to bed.  And I still fight with him!  I mean, couldn't I put things aside and just let them go?  Why do we have to fight?

It's probably because I'm hungry.  I'm frantically dieting at the moment (so I can fit my dress for the wedding) and have only lost 7ish pounds since I started.  Ok, so when I write that down, it actually seems like a bit of an accomplishment.  But I think to me it doesn't count because it's 7 pounds that I regained after my last weight loss, on top of gaining back what I had lost.

But now I'm tempted to go on a rant about weight loss.  I won't subject you to that...tonight.  Tomorrow is fair game.

Good night, pray that I am able to sleep.

Who Doesn't Have Children Just to Get a Higher Score?

Some days I still feel like a petty, competitive high schooler.  Because of the fact that I still feel like life is a competition and I have to try to "be better" or ahead of others.  I've said before that I compare myself to others even though I know I shouldn't.  And I am definitely working on that with God too.  But obviously the journey is still closer to the beginning than the end of my responses to the news of others having babies, for instance.

Yay for babies!  I'm glad for my friends who are having more.  But it gives me some frustrating feelings.  One, Baby Fever!!!!!!  Oh my goodness, all these babies and talk of babies and what not, I just need one!  2 1/2 years old is no longer baby enough.  And two, the competition thing.

I have a Facebook friend who was married the same year as me, and also has two kids like me, just a little younger than my girls.  She just announced that she is having another baby this summer.  And then she will beat me.

Isn't it pathetic that that was me first thought when I read the news?  That she will beat me?  Just because she will have three kids before me, doesn't mean she's better.  It doesn't make me less.  Yet this is what I feel, with her news and others as well.

My good friend here in town has a daughter who is almost 8 now.  And I constantly feel like I'm behind in the game and will never catch up because her oldest daughter is older than mine.  (And I know what she is going to say when she reads this!  She will probably be like "Oh Erica!  That's ridiculous!"  And then she would give some good, godly encouragement.  she's so good at that.  Thanks girl!)

I need to get it through my brain!  It's not a game or competition or anything resembling that!  God knows all of us and our futures and what we need when we need it!  So stop stressing and just live my life in God's love.

Tomorrow I will share my car frustrations with you all so you can be frustrated with me!  Hahaha.

After This I am Starting a Pin-aholics Annonymous

Remember how the other day I wrote about distractions?  And I may have bragged that the computer wasn't a huge distraction for me because I had my iPhone?  (Maybe it didn't come off as bragging, but I will confess, I was proud in my heart!) Well that is no longer true.  Because I have discovered Pinterest.



When I first heard about Pinterest, I scoffed.  I thought, what a waste of time.  I'm not a big one for any kind of decorating, interior or exterior or any kind of terior.  I thought that there was no point for me to even look at it. Just another thing that I don't get, like Twitter.  (I do have a Twitter account, I just am still so confused by it. Somebody help me!)

Well, I finally signed up for Pinterest, and last week I started 'pinning'.  I haven't stopped.

No seriously, I am like non-stop.  I search the internet for things just so I can pin it.  I have over a hundred pins already, and something like 20 boards.  I think I may be addicted.  I have a ton of Christmas ideas for food and decorations and wrapping.  I have ideas for aprons to make, for skirts to make, for a ton of yummy looking desserts.  I even have a board dedicated to things I will never in my life use.

The darn thing just appeals to the organization freak in me.  Secret:  When I worked in an office, I loved sorting things to be filed.  This is like that.  I sort things to be filed on my boards.

I am trying to put a follow me button on my sidebar so you can all see the wonderfulness of my boards, but it hasn't been working so far.  But that button at the top of the post does work so you can just click that one.  Because I'm just so kind, I want everyone to be addicted to pinning just like me!

Yes, This Post Counts as a Distraction

There are so many distractions in this world, it's enough to drive me to distraction.  Wow, that was lamer written out than in my head!  Haha.  But seriously, that is all I am about today, distraction.  Maybe I am just more susceptible to distraction than every other person out there, but it just seems hard to get away from.

There's my iPhone.  Wonderful thing that it is.  It's handy for phoning and texting.  Also handy for Facebook and Solitaire and Civilization and stupid, mindless games that have no point but I play anyways.  That's the problem, it's handy.  I can take it all over the house with me.  I can stop for a quick sit down in the kitchen and bam, spend half an hour moving cards around.  Wow.

There's books.  Some people, like my hubs, aren't readers and so they don't have trouble resisting the temptation to open a book and read and read and read.  I am kind of jealous of them.  Because I am a reader, and I sure have a hard time resisting that temptation.  In fact, I usually don't resist, I just give in and read and read and read and, well you get the picture.  I remember when I was a teenager and I shared a room with my sister, and I would read in our hallway by the light of the bathroom light so she could get some sleep.

There's the computer.  Since I have my iPhone, this isn't quite as big a distraction, but it definitely can be.  I can check my e-mail and then zoom around, maybe shopping, maybe just window shopping (yep, definitely window) and sometimes the stuff I'm looking at is 'good' stuff, stuff that I might need to know or use eventually, but really, I should be doing something else at that moment.

But, here's some points for me.  The TV isn't really a distraction for me!  Hurray!  We don't have any kind of cable or satellite so that's mostly the reason for that.  If we did have some kind of channels, I know that I would watch "just one show" and end up watching four.  I'm just that person.  

The After-Party

So I'm finally doing a recap of my adventure into hosting a surprise party, almost a week later.  Ah well, I'm sure that you guys will all forgive me, since I just know that you were waiting at your computers for my post to publish.  Hahahaha.  I can dream ;-)

Well, he was actually surprised.  And the fact that he didn't know there was a party for him until he walked in the door surprised me.  And this was despite the fact that he walked in 45 minutes before the party started to pick something up!  He still didn't know.  Gotta love a man's brain, so focused on one thing he missed realizing what was going on before his eyes.

So, one thing I learned, or rather realized anew, was my horrible lack of judgment regarding, well anything like estimating the amount of food needed.  We had TONS of leftovers.  And I mean TONS.  Granted, though, that there were a few couples who didn't make it, so if they would have come, we would have had slightly less than a ton.  And I had way too much punch.  Almost everyone had coffee or tea.  So instead of a punch bowl, I really needed a second coffee machine.

Seating.  I didn't truly think of seating until the day before.  But since we had a few less people than planned, I actually had enough chairs without having to borrow.  (Though my dear friend did bring some over just in case, without even asking! Yay for friends!)

I think that everyone had a good time.  This is what they have told me, and they've always been honest with me (as far as I know...) so I believe them.  I worry that I could have done more, like party games or something!  Do something hostess like.  I can make food, and place it in a convenient place for people to reach it, but I am such a social dud (it seems to me) that I don't want them to be bored.  'We ate food, now what?'

But that's me just over-analyzing.  I love our friends and I know they love me and my family.  And that was what the party was about, showing my hubs that we love him.

A Happy Birthday to my Hubby!

Today is my hubby's 30th birthday.  Hurray!! Happy Birthday Hun!  (I just said that for the sake of saying it publicly.  He doesn't read my blog.)

I have a desire to make birthdays in our family a special time, maybe starting some traditions that carry on through the years, but I have yet to reach anything close to my ideal picture.  Last year definitely didn't turn out like I thought it would, as I shared with you.  But this year I have a plan.  This year I am throwing a surprise dessert party.  With people invited.

Yes, I have chosen to host my first, more-than-just-best-friends party this Saturday.  And a surprise to boot.  I'm nothing if not ambitious (actually I am quite a few things more than ambitious, but I won't get into that now!).

Since the party is Saturday night, I am not doing anything huge today.  I am making a cake for him to have, and supper will be...well actually supper isn't super special since we didn't get our pay-cheque until yesterday so I haven't been able to replenish our meat supply.  But the cake he requested is a Lemon Chiffon cake.  I have never made one before.  Things that I haven't made before sometimes go very, very wrong.  So I'm crossing my fingers and praying that it turns out.

I have been busy cleaning the house and baking all the desserts this week.  I had a nice plan where I would make one dessert a day this week, but that flopped since yesterday I had a really bad headache, so I didn't get any baking, or any cleaning at all done.  So now I'm bunching up a little the last couple days.

I am a little nervous about having all these people in my house.  We've had Biblestudies here, but this is different.  The only purpose is to come socialize and eat our food.  I don't want everyone to be bored!  I don't want them to hate my food!  What if there are large amounts of awkward silence?!  Oh goodness.  I think I'm just going to not think about it.

I love the idea of hospitality, but am definitely a little more socially awkward than not.  So this is a big leap for me.  But Mark loves being social.  So I knew that he would so appreciate having all his friends with him.

Oh My Aching Back

That sums me up right now.  My back feels like it is trying to kill me.  I have been on my feet all day, or most of it.  And I have a cold, so that makes all the standing-on-my-feet even more miserable.  Wah, wah, wah.  Poor me.

Okay, so enough whining.  I did spend a lot of today standing in the kitchen, but I got most of what I wanted to do, done (sort of).  I have been given a box of plums, so I wanted to make jam with them today.  My first time ever.  Last year I canned peaches and pears, so I'm branching out further this year.  So far I have done cherries and peaches, though those stories have little success.

All but 2 of my cherry jars failed to seal properly and therefore spoiled (I had 12).  And I only had 3 jars of peaches, and one of them broke while in the water bath.  So now I only have 2.  (In case you can't do basic math...)

Wow, is making jam a lot of work, or else I'm just doing it wrong!  Hahaha, no.  I actually like it, just once I was started I couldn't really stop, though I wanted to.  And the girls sometimes wanted to.  Over all they were good today.  I brought out our Mega Bloks (I think that's what they are, giant duplo) and they played with that for awhile since we haven't had them out for months now.  But eventually they got a little whiny.  So I popped on a show.  (The Great Muppet Caper for the millionth time.)

So I made one batch of jam, which gave me 8 1/2 250mL jars.  And used only 1/4 (if that) of my box.  Now I have a dilemma.  I still have a ton of plums!  So I might have to repeat the process again this weekend.  Though I will need to buy more jars and more pectin.  But I think to myself, why do I need more than 8 jars of jam? We don't eat a ton of it, just a few sandwiches for Leigh and the odd day of toast for the girls and my hubs.  But I think I will try to give some to my family and friends.  Then they can all praise my skills.  Yes, I give so I can receive praise.  I'm nothing if not humble...

The Reason I Don't Add Up is I'm Using the Wrong Equation

I have a confession that will shock the world.  Ready?

I am NOT Super-Wife/Mom/Woman. 

Ok, maybe not so shocking.  And I can already hear all you moms saying, 'Me neither!'  And you probably all believe that.  You would say that you are just living as best you can, and you make mistakes the same as everyone.  But, I have to say, please don't take offense, I just don't believe you.  I believe that every other mom out there (with the exception of the truly crazy ones) is light-years ahead of me.

I read blog after blog of these moms who cook these great meals.  Not gourmet all the time, but healthy and nutritious and tasty.  They keep the house in at least a decent working order.  They can shelves and shelves of fruit and vegetables, grown in their own backyard.  They do this, and they do that.  Then I look at myself and I seem to be sorely lacking. 

Yet if there is any specific theme to all the stuff God has been speaking to me these past months, it is that everyone's walk with God is unique to them.  And His timing in our lives is different too.  We don't all have these cookie-cutter lives, where they all look the same.  Even if we are all listening to His voice, our decisions may still look different.  Homeschooling, church-going, working or staying at home, family size, head covering, children raising, house buying, so many decisions in life.  And everyone makes different ones.

And while there are a few decisions that only have one right answer, most of them don't.  Two different decisions can both still be correct.  This I have to keep telling and reminding myself.  My life doesn't have to look like Jane Doe's and neither does Jane Doe's life have to look like mine.

So that's it for tonight.  Now I'm off to can some peaches for my husband.  (Though I'm still hoping that some magic Canning Fairy will drop through my roof and do it for me.)

What Goes on in the House When Daddy is Away

My hubby is away overnight for work, so the kids and I are on our own.  It's funny, he works long hours in the summer, usually leaving before the kids, and a lot of the time I, are awake, and not returning home until close to 7, which is only a half an hour before it's time to start getting ready for bed.  Yet even though he's only here for those hours in the evening, it still feels different, even during the day, when he is out of town.

It must be the knowledge that he isn't coming home.  It sort of feels like when the boss is out of town.  You know, you can relax a little, not be so work driven, maybe chat with the office ladies a little longer.  For me, it means I don't have to stress over what I am cooking for supper.

Mark eats a fair amount for supper, since he works such a physically hard job.  And on top of that, he likes to take leftovers for his lunches.  This means that I have to make enough food for all of us for supper and at least one more meal for him (bonus if there's enough for me too) and I should try to make the food something that he enjoys.    But we differ in our tastes quite a bit.  My favourite foods are not his, and vice versa. 

I can be very emotionally sensitive sometimes (okay, maybe all the time) (okay and maybe it's more like over-sensitive).  If I make something that he doesn't LOVE and RAVE over, I feel a little bit of a punch to the gut.  Don't get me wrong, he is very appreciative of almost everything I make, whether it's a favourite or not (the only time he is unappreciative is when it's a complete disaster, like Pan-Fried Mustard Glazed Salmon, that both looks and tastes like cat poop).  So because I live to please him (hahahahaha, well I try) I want to make foods that he enjoys.  But man, do I hate planning meals.  I think it is worse than the actual cooking.

So for this reason I try to plan our meals out weeks in advance.  I usually have a four week calendar on the go.  And in it I try to balance out the meals between the ones he likes and the ones I like.  So it is very convienent for me when he goes away because I can make whatever I want and there is no gut-punching regret!  Or, I can eat leftovers for the third time that day.  (he doesn't like to eat the same thing for supper that he ate at lunch.)

Today, for example, I cooked a salmon for supper.  He likes salmon, but he likes it done a little fancier than me, with some kind of lemony-dilly-ish like sauce.  I eat mine with all the goodness of melted butter.  Mmmmmmmmmm.  So I got to cook it plain, and eat it like that.  My kids also get a kind of supper break when Daddy isn't home, since I don't really enforce our dinner table eating time.  They can have what they want, whenever they want it.  Today they wanted toast at 4, and then bread for supper later.  Yes, they ate mainly bread.  Leigh did eat a few potatoes.  Mom of the Year award over here please!

Tomorrow I will be back as a slave to quality(ish) food.  Hubs is coming home, and my in-laws are coming also, so I will really be putting out my best efforts...or just regular ones!  But I have had my salmon, and I'll have it for lunch tomorrow too!  (And maybe breakfast)